Absolutely Flabulous
Modern culture, eh? For years it’s been telling us to be thin and pretty and fashionable but then, suddenly, there was this minor uproar! A raging squeak from the crowd of whiney recovering bulimics, who couldn’t hack the heaving, echoed about as loudly a guinea pigs death throe in a wind-tunnel. Unfortunately, the only people to hear it were in charge of magazines. Cue the pandering to public sympathy, and several years of “Oooh, being thin is awful!”
Without warning, with the dawn of a new decade, the tables have turned back around. Only this time, the table is loaded with ridicule and is surrounded by camp so-called therapists pointing and laughing at some poor whale that has beached themselves in front of a camera. I speak of course of “Fat Families” (Wednesday, 8pm on Sky 1). Hosted by Steve Miller, who is less of a Space Cowboy and more of an … Bandit (so, no, not that Steve Miller), author of “Get off Your Arse and Lose Weight” and “Get off Your Arse and Grab that New Job”. Presumably, his next book will be called “Get off Your Arse and Bend Over.”
What happens is that Miller goes from family to family of flabby, bloated people and uses “shock tactics” to get them to recognise their weight and its impact on their health in order to get them to change their lifestyle. He’s like a less severe and disgusting Gillian McKeith. Miller’s approach to encouraging weight loss is intriguing and comes across as somewhat genuine, which is quite the welcoming respite in “these types” (I’m such a racist) of shows.
On this week’s episode, Miller meets The Jeap family: Ron and his three sons, Mark, Alan and Daniel. Alan, the slimmest of the family, is clinically obese. Daniel, the youngest, has a heart condition and admits to being unfathomably lazy as he needs to lose weight to save his life. As for Ron and Mark, their ample carcasses are rivalled only by sheer enormity of Steve Miller’s forehead. Miller, by the way, makes full use of the terms “massive” and “fatty” in close succession, particularly when he gets the Jeaps’ to stand half-naked as a jaybird, while Miller was the mockingbird. Do you see? (Also, at this point I felt glad I wasn’t watching in HD).
During the ten week “ordeal”, the Jeaps’ endure having to make do with small portions of food and (gasp!) exercise. In the meantime, Miller keeps an eye via the magic of modern technology and also sets his sights on educating the British public on how much sugar there is in their favourite foods. You know what they say though: A spoon full of sugar (insults) helps the medicine (insulin) go down (Matron!).
At the end, the family is given what is quite possibly the cheapest makeover on telly (a haircut, a brand spanking new second-hand suit, and a pair of plastic sunglasses). Then, once they get to see their result in the mirror (mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fattest of them all? Some producer’s wallet, I reckon) they get weighed. Like trucks. Then, there are hugs and congratulations all ‘round! And this being the fantastic, life-changing show it is, we hear how great they’re feeling and how little Daniel had a heart all along. Or something like that.
This aspect to the show I enjoyed quite thoroughly though. Miller’s firm, fair and heavy handed when needs be. He doesn’t need to go flinging human faeces around in Tupperware containers trying to preach a pseudoscience, no! He teaches three basic things: eat right; eat less; exercise. Simple and effective it may be, but soon enough your brains starts to melt and begin longing for some confrontation to liven it up a bit. Watching people jiggle for an hour wears thin (irony!) after a while.
